maxwell plays the fool again

two vastly different moments of my life.

2009-10-25T22:40:00.004-04:00

moment one:
saturday evening.
my friends and i are chilling in the local, ghetto "mall", not that it even closely resembles a mall. we're sitting at a couple of round tables, not bothering anyone, playing dungeons and dragons. because it was an impromptu games, there are no give-aways: no character sheets, no books, and we're talking pretty quietly. the only thing we have are the dice. just as the DM rolls the twenty-sided die, which is basically the god of the game, the rent-a-cop comes over. he says, "and then a frost dragon blows you out of the mall. WOOOOOSH."

and my life was made.
so now i'm going to ask him to play with us next saturday. seriously, i am.

moment two:
sunday evening.
my ipod was playing losing all control. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8oq4ecNC-I) [seriously, you have to listen to the song, or i'll sound like a freak.] i'm in the middle of a run, resting at a swingset at my old elementary school. suddenly, i look up, and i see a giant tree, sitting happily on the downward slope of a hill. i remember this tree - i did an excersize in my acting class where i closed my eyes and imagined this tree. i imagined walking towards it, and i touched the leaves with my hand. i swear, i could FEEL them. i could smell the tree.

so i got up, and walked up the hill. it was like a dream. i touched the leaves, and they felt JUST as they had felt in my mind. the smell was the same. i crawled into a shallow alcove of the tree, where there were no branches, a nice hiding spot. i could feel my eyes clouding over. i started breathing quickly, hyperventilating. i got up and i ran, out towards the parking lot and past the nearby church. i looked up and saw the sun setting. it was so breathtaking, i stood completely still. it was a beautiful, silent symphony of pinks and blues and oranges. the clouds were dancing.

i cried.

oh lordy, whatta romantic i am.

2009-10-24T09:59:00.004-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HBSekLZ271c

(i changed the lyrics a tiny bit, but that's cool. taylor swift's awesome. especially when her songs describe my life.)

i like the way you sound every morning
walk into class and without a warning
i realize your laugh is the best sound i've ever heard.

i like the way i can't keep my focus
i watch you talk, you didn't notice
i hear the words but all i can think is we should be together.

everytime you smile, i smile
and everytime you shine, i'll shine for you

who-oa, i'm feeling you baby,
don't be afraid to jump then fall,
jump then fall into me.
i'll be there, never gonna leave you
see that you wanna be with me too
imma stay through it all so jump then fall.

i like the way your hair falls in your face
you got the keys to me i love each freckle on your face
oh, i've never been so wrapped up honey
i like the way you're everything i've ever wanted

i've had time to think it all over
and all i can say is come closer
take a deep breath and jump then fall into me.

everytime you smile, i smile
and everytime you shine, i'll shine for you.

who-oa, i'm feeling you baby,
don't be afraid to jump then fall,
jump then fall into me.
i'll be there, never gonna leave you
see that you wanna be with me too
imma stay through it all so jump then fall.

the bottom's gonna drop out from underneath
i'll catch you, i'll catch you
and people say things that's gonna bring you to your knees
i'll catch you
the time is gonna come when you're so mad you could cry
but i'll hold you through the night until you smile

who-oa, i need you baby,
don't be afraid
please jump then fall,
jump then fall into me.
i'll be there, never gonna leave you
see that you wanna be with me too
imma stay through it all so jump then fall.

jump then fall baby
jump then fall
into me
into me

everytime you smile, i smile
and everytime you shine, i shine
everytime you're here
baby i'll show you
i'll show you you can
jump then fall
jump then fall
jump then fall
into me
into me.

it might get loud.

2009-10-22T23:39:00.001-04:00

that movie was possibly the MOST inspiring thing i've ever seen.
it inspired me to keep playing guitar, and to widen my options.
i didn't get to fuck around on the electric because it was 11:30-ish when i got home,
but i played a little acoustic
and for once i didn't worry about the timing or getting the chords perfect or even singing along
i closed my eyes and let the music flow
it was great :) :) :)

happiness is morning & evening, daytime & night time too.

2009-10-20T22:37:00.001-04:00

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/515024

this game reminds me of 1984.
and 1984 reminds me of you.
:)

hey, blogarita

2009-10-16T23:02:00.003-04:00

long time, no type.
sowwy.
i been busy. with school and life and acting and friends.
i've got some musical addictions that i thought i'd share with you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=naXBi-Xh0rc&feature=related
this is for real ~ motion city soundtrack
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UKzIXaFFyI
supermodel ~ superchick
(ignore the thinspo! it's all i could find with that song.)

and, a hilarious conversation with my father.
i was explaining to him "couple names" like brangelina, niley, whatever.
and i was explaining how lily and oliver on hannah montana are loliver.
and so he asked me "is it always the guy's name with the girl's first letter?"
and i was like "no, it depends on which sounds better."
he pauses and goes "true ... otherwise it would be oily."

hahahahaha. :)

but i'm not dead yet!

2009-09-29T19:43:00.002-04:00

didn't die. whoo. my life doesn't suck.
only 'cause i'm a fucking chicken.
maybe tomorrow, i'll ask him what's up.

everytime i look at him, my heart pangs.
and my stomach pangs for enchiladas.
LOL.
anyways.

here are a list of songs that i have been playing non-stop
and some quotes that fit my life:
(you should check them out because they're all really really good.)
SCAR TISSUE red hot chili peppers
"scar tissue that i wish you saw, sarcastic mr. know-it-all."
OVERKILL colin hay (HOLYCRAPISEEHIMREALLYSOONSOEXCITED)
"especially at night, i worry over situations, i know i'll be alright, perhaps it's just imagination."
DETLEF SCHREMPF band of horses
"and say you're at a loss, or forgot that words can do more than harm."
GIRL ALL THE BAD GUYS WANT bowling for soup
"it's like a bad movie, he's looking through me, if you were me then you'd be screaming someone shoot me! as i fail miserably."
IGNORANCE paramore
"ignorance is your new best friend."
MY STUPID MOUTH john mayer
"my stupid mouth, has got me in trouble, i said too much again."

he'll never know that i'm the best that he'll never have

2009-09-28T11:17:00.002-04:00

it's like a bad movie
he's looking through me
if you were me then you'd be
screaming someone shoot me!

hahahaha. my life SUCKS.
and yet my subconcious is still trying to convince me it's going to end up like a fairytale.
awesome.
i'm too fat. i'm going for a run.
peace.

oh lordy.

2009-09-27T16:55:00.003-04:00

here's a tip, for those who read this thing:
don't trust freshmen, okie dokie?

because they aren't trustworthy and they WILL do stupid shit. and they WILL name names.
jesus christt.
i need to learn to shut my goddamn mouth.

so my life is going to suck come tuesday, but i'll power through.
i always do. :)
i'll just jam to country music like nothing's wrong.
i'm an actress for god's sake.
and the role i'm preparing to play is a girl who doesn't get flustered easily.
calm, cool, collected.

it's just overkill.

2009-09-27T09:37:00.003-04:00

why would i possibly write a song about my life
when colin hay already has?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nb0FLGzEQUk
(watch? i'll love you forever.)

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications
Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know I'll be alright
Perhaps it's just imagination
Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day

when did my life get so complicated?

they'll stone you just like they said they would

2009-09-20T16:10:00.002-04:00

this is not directed towards anyone.
if you think it is, then you're silly.

i don't understand why people always feel the need to be dating someone.
maybe you don't always have to be madly in love.
why can't people just enjoy being friends with the opposite (or same, i'm not here to judge) gender?
or better yet, just enjoy basking in the glow of their attractiveness
instead of worrying about what color wedding dress you're going to wear.
single ladies club FTW.

and i will wait to find, if this will last forever

2009-09-17T09:33:00.002-04:00

what's up, blog? :)
i'm doing the usual:
listening to john mayer and thinking about my life.

mainly about these past six months or so.
and how i've met a ton of amazing people
who can always seem to make me smile :)
even if it is just abusing the @tagging on facebook.
and they make my weeks easier because i know
that after friday comes SATURDAY.
the best day of my week.
and i sort of had a falling out with one of them ...
which makes me sad.
because i never have anyone to facebook chat with anymore.

and this summer got to meet up with my cousins, both old and new
who are hilarious and wonderful and i miss them pretty much every second of my life
they're those kind of people that you feel
instantly comfortable around
and they just totally GET you. and it's awesome :)
and i reallyyy want to go back and hang out with them all soon!
(and hopefully not break any playstations. I'M SORRY.)

so yeah, i'm blessed.
i have awesome people in my life.
they make my weekends and summers kick-ass.
and my weekdays not-so-terrible.
YAY.

(also:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cq8DzuOTdLo
my life theme-song.
if you listen to it, you're wonderful.)

papa, paparazzi

2009-09-14T21:51:00.001-04:00

if you want me to - i will.

2009-09-11T22:44:00.002-04:00

STATE OF THE UNION:

1. i may be getting a labret piercing soon.
i just have to find out the price and get my daddy onboard.
i'd be getting it done at 'warlock's tattoo'
which is just an epic name. (:
but i had a delivery from the failman when i was on their website, because it had categories of pictures of piercings.
and there was oral, facial, ears, that kind of thing.
and then there were male and female.
and i, being the naive little girl that i am, figured it was just like, girl faces and boy faces.
so i clicked on male because i like guys with piercings.
and i'm flooded with pictures of pierced dicks.
*headdesk*

2. i'm jealous of molly's way with words.
and i like her face.

3. the freshman in my french class
(the same one with awesome taste in movies, as you might recall)
has a really adorable smile. (:

4. i have had don't dance by 30h3 stuck in my head for the last century.
i mean, it's a good song. but dang. i'm tired of it!

5. raven went to the owl city concert tonight.
i am forever jealous.

6. conservatory/mao tomorrow.
it will be epic.
joint grand-poobahs FTW.

7. YOU LIE!

bye.

& the way you fit your jeans, it makes me ready for action

2009-09-10T07:44:00.003-04:00

so, basically.
i want holes in my face.

i've grown accustomed to taking my purple eyeliner
that i never use
and drawing little dots on my face where i want my holes.

i definitely want a nose stud, and a labret piercing on the lower right side.
and possibly a lip ring and maybe an eyebrow piercing.

i also got red lipstick because inglorious basterds inspired me too. (:

andiwanttopunchsarahinthefacewhatokaybye.

the proof is in the kodak

2009-09-08T21:28:00.004-04:00

i miss these people. and the ones i didn't get pictures of.

i'm also pretty obsessed with 30h!3.

but don't trust me is a fail.

christ, you know it ain't easy.

2009-09-08T08:04:00.002-04:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

i'm still laughing at something that happened almost 12 hours ago.
that's how cool i am.

so i was bored on omegle
and i met this girl named amity
who lives in like, massachusets?
anyways, she's awesome. and we talked about
how we pretend to be celebrities on omegle.
i ususally pretend to be nick jonas
and she said that she pretends to be the guy from nevershoutnever!
(she also introduced me to crunkcore which = amazing)
so then i was on omegle pretending to be nick jonas
and giving amity the play-by-play
while we laughed our asses off.
i was apparently pretty damn convincing.
because this stupid idiot totally gave me her phone number!
and i convinced amity to call her,
and she said that the girl started babbling in like, french.
lmfao.

ok, bye.

my favorite pastime...

2009-09-04T19:17:00.002-04:00

will always be reading john mayer's twitter.

kudos to johanna for getting me hooked on allison weiss

2009-08-31T21:06:00.003-04:00

i'm ready if you're ready
well, i'm ready, are you ready?
'cause my heart is breakin
while you're takin your time
no telling where we're going
but i'm going if you're going
just tell me baby,
am i wasting my time?

today was a nice mix of terrible and wonderful.
i like to keep things fresh.
i wrote a pretty dang lengthy poem in irwin's class today.
but i can't be bothered to go get it.
it's about douchey ex-boyfriends and my favorite stairwell.

and that cute kid with the glasses in french class
(the one that i still can't believe is a freshman!)
saw inglorious basterds.
and correctly identified it in my conversation with the teacher.
seriously, all i said was i saw a movie
where somebody said "lock the door" in french, and i understood it.
and he got it.
weird.
but awesome. :)

WHAT.

2009-08-30T11:02:00.003-04:00

everyone in my life is suddenly single.
WHAT.
i demand an explanation.
this is what i get for missing friday nights.

(and i refuse to change my blog layout.
it looks like someone puked awesome.)

topics

2009-08-17T23:16:00.001-04:00

& we avoid the topics.
we make the kids have secrets.
when they are exposed,
and everyone else knows.
we'll say we never knew it
that they had a problem
'cause if we would've known,
we surely would've solved it.
but we can't, it's too late.
i said we can't, it's too late.

sad song. makes me think. :(

hey man, now i'm really living

2009-08-15T00:26:00.003-04:00

so, i'm up at 12:30 am drinking diet coke, wearing shorts, a tank-top and a scarf, listening to eels, george michael and rick springfield, playing hearts with three computers that i named after the jonas brothers, laughing mercilessly everytime i pass hearts to nick, and whisper-shouting 'fuck!' everytime i forget that the queen of spades is worth 13 points.

my life ... is great. :)

i am in repair

2009-08-14T12:51:00.003-04:00

done.
done dissecting pointless poetry.
it was just time wasted
all of it.
and i have nothing left to say.
since you're never coming back, anyway.
i have things to do
people to miss
pounds to lose
and years of sleep
that i should be
catching up on.

sleep-walking in hollywood

2009-08-13T21:43:00.003-04:00

john mayer is a musical GENIUS. dear god. he's wonderful. every new song i hear from him, i immediately have to listen to it 50 times, and learn the lyrics, and figure out how to play it on guitar. he is SO AMAZING. alskjdalskfja;lskjf.

i'm gonna steer clear
i'd burn up in your atmosphere
i'm gonna steer clear
'cause i'd die if i saw you
and die if i didn't see you there

so, um. summer's not even over yet, and i'm already craving next summer. this year is going to suck. hard. i can feel it. and i want to go back to new york. :( :( :( :( :( :(

& i'm really, terribly sick, so i might not be able to see some of my favorite people tomorrow.
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

so, i'm sitting here.

2009-08-12T20:06:00.002-04:00

drinking my diet snapple.
listening to john mayer.
thinking about my life and where i'm going.
wondering if everyone in my life has made a pact to hate me.
trying not to cry.

oh, we're halfway there.

2009-08-07T11:23:00.002-04:00

flying makes me come up with country music?
remember this:

it's sippin a beer when the grown-ups aren't watching
and staying up all night just laughing and talking
but i don't mind
it's playing ball 'till it's too dark to see
and knowing that you'll always be there for me
like i'm there for you
no matter what we're goin through
you'll always be by my side
along for the ride

i miss buffalo. :(

william h. macy: oh, yah.

2009-07-13T22:59:00.002-04:00

soooooo.

i'm determined not to let this blog die.
i'm leaving for NY on wednesday.
i have to fly by myself, for the first time.
i'm a bit scurred, i has to admit. :/

i won't have computer access in NY, so no online time for 3 weeks. not like you'd notice anyway. :P

um. here's a song?
i gotta get ya out of my mind
get ya out of my space
get ya out of my life
and get ya out of my face
i gotta, i gotta, i gotta gotta get ya gone.

i should pack.
meh.

if i was invisible ... wait, i already am.

2009-07-07T13:51:00.002-04:00

old school clay aiken just might be my new best friend.
his songs about flies on the wall > miley cyrus'. it's the truth.
damn, i'm still sad he's gay. i always fall for the gay ones.
cases in point: marco on degrassi, clay aiken, lance bass.
sob.

also, i have a zit on my cheek.
and i ran out of concealer.
just my luck, no?

and OH MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I KNOW ABOUT THIS SOONER TIM BURTON ALICE IN WONDERLAND JOHNNY DEPP MAD HATTER HELENA BONHAM CARTER RED QUEEN I WANT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i should clean my room, and i have demi lovato stuck in my head.
well, a song, not the actual demi lovato.
though that would be pretty amusing if she was literally stuck in my head. huh.
that's all.
later skaters.

the future's out of focus, when you're blinded by the light

2009-07-07T08:54:00.002-04:00

i will hold fast to Your name.
i know that Satan has put hurdles in my path
and i may have hit a hurdle or two
but i know that You have unconditional love for me.
people may call me crazy
or give me strange looks, but it's not something i can show them.
when Your presence is there, it's different for everyone.
but all i can is that, when i walk with You,
the trees are greener, the sky is bluer, the birds sing louder,
the past is the past, and my worries are gone.

"They shall neither hunger anymore nor thirst anymore; the sun shall not strike them, nor any heat, for the Lamb who is in the midst of the throne will shepherd them and lead them to living fountains of waters. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."
Revelation 7:16-17

in the seperation, the bible took everything but the dog. even billy mays.

2009-07-01T01:00:00.006-04:00

goodbye?

recently, i have been sporting an interesting garb.
namely, a plethora of hair elastics on my right wrist.
i've got about seven or eight on right now,
i can't be bothered to actually count them.
i don't know why i would ever need this many elastics at one time,
maybe i just like feeling secure with the fact that i can pull my hair up in case of a dire hair-pulling-up emergency.
or, maybe i'm secretly hoping that one day the world will run out of money-making materials and hair elastics will be the next currency, and then i'll be the rich man.
(it's the name of the position, its not gender-specific.)
i could have a handlebar mustachio, too, because that just seems like the kind of rich man i'd be.

i'm growly increasingly certain about my state of mind.
i'm a nut, a schizophrenic nut.
but it's a good thing, at least, i imagine it is.
i'm not schizophrenic in the crazy, psycho, i'll fight a 350 pound police officer way.
but rather, i talk to myself in my head all the time, usually in french,
and out loud if i happen to be alone.
sometimes i even sing.

there is a space between my bed and the wall.
i'm not sure how it happened but somehow my bed got diagonally moved away from the wall.
now there is a space, a gap, if you will.
which you probably won't.
i can lean my head against the wall and look straight down and see the remnants of the skeletons that once lay (and lied) under my bed.
i fear that i may fall, while wrapped up in my dreams tonight.
or nightmares, depending on the pedestrians.

here are some lyrics:
you put the ape in aperture, but i put the fun in funeral.

and some more, which i never remember writing down, but they seem forcefully deep, which is always nice:
maybe it's masochism,
just call me an anachronism,
maybe it doesn't make sense,
i like to dream without consequence,
and you and me would just make things worse
but i like to daydream, 'cause then i can't get hurt.

and now, the grand finale:
we meet our protagonist, who secretly turns out to be the antagonist, and then not to be really important to the plot at all. she likes eating squid and tends to tug at her earlobes. is she pulling a carol burnette? we're not sure. her toenails would be lime green if she could work up the ambition, and she enjoys the occasional game of russian roulette.

~~hello.~~

must kill rent-a-cop!!!!!!!

2009-06-20T19:18:00.002-04:00

me = God
rent-a-cop= Abraham

God said to Abraham, kill me a son
Abe said man, you must be puttin' me on
God said no
Abe said what
God said you can do what you want Abe, but
the next time you see me coming you better run

i never meant to block your sunshine

2009-06-19T03:35:00.002-04:00

i got a visit from insomnia.
how nice of him to pay a visit.

i relieved unlimited enthusiasm. it was fun. :)
and ... i have molly's song stuck in my head.
(you're talented!)

i made this thing pop out of my computer
not sure what it is, can't be bothered to find out
and it won't go back in. this might be bad :/

i want to be iconic
like audrey hepburn or marilyn monroe or someone equally as iconic
i also want to be best friends with clinton and stacey
and steal the gosselin kids.

i am slowly coming to realize that all of these paragraphs are starting with i.
does that make me self-centered?

i believe you now. :)

i have the urge to say the whole fam damily.
there. i said it.

i don't know where this blog post is going.
no one's on facebook.

i guess i'll go watch some mindless videos on youtube.

BAI.

closure?

2009-06-18T23:49:00.002-04:00

I DID IT.
I DID THE IMPOSSIBLE.
i cleaned up my makeup! :)
my makeup stash, which used to lay all over my bathroom counter and occasionally spill into the drawers and even sometimes onto the floor, is now cleaned up! huzzah! i have a counter again!
and it's all been put into a super-awesome leopard print bag, which i love.
and after rifling through my make-up i have dirty-looking skin from old, too-dark foundations, body glitter all over my arms, and plum colored lips that make me feel like a movie star.
*poses for flashing cameras*
i feel like this blog is becoming too much of a, well, BLOG.
so here's a poem. (a song? i don't know, it rhymes, so hey, maybe :P)

the three-week-old flower made my head spin around
i doubt it ever had a chance once we picked it from the ground
but we'll always be friends, we're still partners in crime
still braving grocery stores one cracker aisle at a time.

so maybe i don't believe you when you say that you're okay
but i hope that you believe me when i tell you i still care
if my nails are ever purple then you must be on my mind
it doesn't matter where you go in this great big somewhere

hula hoops and rain and trees and addictions to indeed, see
i still plan to be there if you ever find you need me
i can still make you into a vegetable if you want me to
but don't think that i'm a liar, it was all very true

so maybe i don't believe you when you say that you're okay
but i hope that you believe me when i tell you i still care
if my nails are ever purple then you must be on my mind
it doesn't matter where you go in this great big somewhere

we can kick them when they're down
cameras flashing on the lawn
no need to chase off hula hoopers
when they're already gone
we can dance if we want to
it doesn't matter where we stand
i'll always save a tango for you
here, take my hand

so maybe i don't believe you when you say that you're okay
but i hope that you believe me when i tell you i still care
if my nails are ever purple then you must be on my mind
it doesn't matter where you go in this great big somewhere

new layout!

2009-06-18T01:28:00.001-04:00

i think i'm in love with it.
zahmahgah. :)
getting the HTML to work right was a bitch and a half, because i had to delete a bunch of pointless shit and then reposition stuff ...
but i got it to work!
yay yay yay yay yay!!!!!!!!

also: sophie and i have deep conversations at 1 in the morning.
thought you should know.
and i can't decide what to put in the welcome section over there
<---

it came pre-made with that alice in wonderland poem, and i kind of just want to keep it there...

damn girl!

2009-06-17T21:40:00.004-04:00

dry your eyes
you stole my heart
and then you kicked it aside

doesn't describe my situation at all. :P

looks like i'm back in the single ladies club. woot! i should learn the dance. or at least get to the point where i can pull off a leotard like beyonce can.

for those who are unaware and care (ooh, rhyming win): it was mutual. i'm fine. honestly, not to sound mean, i feel like a weight has been lifted. like in those movies, when the guy and girl break up, and then the guy celebrates being able to be a total pig. me = that guy.

anyways. not much is new. still addicted to rent. gonna go watch a southpark where cartman tries to get rid of all the hippies. peace out.

i think they meant it, when they said you can't buy love

2009-06-13T21:54:00.002-04:00

i am currently addicted to RENT!
i bought the movie soundtrack and have been listening to it non-stop on repeat.
i know pretty much every word, every harmony. imma do what i want.

if i was in the stage play, i'd probably either want to be mimi, because she's damn sexy and has a lot of awesome songs, or maureen, just for the lulz. can you imagine the bio? "maureen is also named maureen and is also bisexual."

plus, our little weaver street lawn party group reminds me of the people in RENT, minus the AIDS and drug problems. especially in la vie boheme. that could totally be us.

K BAI

hakuna matata

2009-06-07T20:36:00.002-04:00

it's so strange to think about this.
that only a few weeks ago
you were a stranger that i hardly knew
a stranger that i wanted to know
wanted to know what made you tick
wanted to know what you were about
wanted to know who you were, really.

it's so strange to think about this.
that only a few weeks from now
you'll be gone, maybe not gone for good,
but gone. out of sight, but never out of mind.
shipped off to a new town, where you'll be a stranger again
and as much as i can try and prepare myself for it
i know that i won't be able to,
and that i won't be ready for you to go,
i'll never be ready, in all honesty.

it's so strange to think about this.
but if you happen across someone,
maybe someone like me,
just a nervous, awkward girl
who wants to know what makes you tick
who wants to know what you're about
who wants to know who you are, really,
give her a chance.
and don't you worry about me, darlin'.
i'll be okay.

this is a blog post about elvis costello.

2009-06-07T11:17:00.003-04:00

elvis costello is a GOD.
his new album is freaking amazing.
he can do every style known to man.
rock, pop, electronica, opera (yeah, he did!) and now: acoustic/country.
he is amazing, and has really inspired me to get back into writing songs.
i guess we'll just see how this goes.

dancing at discos, eating cheese on toast.

2009-06-03T19:49:00.002-04:00

today, i've done the following:
- got to sleep in
- survived the speaking part of my french final, which was actually not hard!
- left school early
- got a brand spankin' new camera
- got burger king for dinner
- figured out a new makeup look that makes my eyes look really nice
- blasted kate nash and marianas trench
- didn't have to study for the first time in weeks

annnnnd i still feel like shit.
:K

i feel pretty, oh so pretty

2009-06-01T20:56:00.003-04:00

hey there june. you came pretty quickly this year.
but i wish i had a time machine.
or at least a life-size replica of one
and a bunch of friends to run around my living room in fast-mo.
(big bang theory, anyone, anyone?)

basically, i miss you.
i feel like i say that too much. but it's true.
and when i see you, we will kiss under more trees, and crack up in the cracker aisle, and watch couples hold hands awkwardly.
'cause you're the sloane to my ferris. :)

I HAVE WEIRD DREAMS

2009-05-30T09:06:00.002-04:00

so, here is the dream i just woke up from. i think it's one of the first times i ever woke up laughing:

it featured everyone who hung out at weaver street yesterday. we were at an acting class. i don't really know where we were, but it doesn't matter. we did some stupid things, blah blah blah, and when the class is over, the girl sitting next to me turns to me. obviously i knew her as pippa, but dream me did not. so she leans in and she's like "can i tell you a secret?" and i go "...yeah." and she says, "see that guy over there? his name's garrett, and i want to lose 50 pounds so he'll go out with me."

LOL.

i'm half asleep, and i am wide awake

2009-05-25T17:07:00.003-04:00

ho hum.

this is usually the place where i just puke up how i'm feeling into words.
but for some reason i can't.
i've been trying to write - a poem, a song, ANYTHING - over and over,
but i keep miserably failing.

here are some things currently bothering me, in no specific order:
extreme boredom, the messy disaster that is my room, practice math tests, ~~the distance between michigan and north carolina~~, the lack of blank CDs in my house, having to go to school tomorrow and mood swings.

but seriously, mother nature, if you read my blog,
can you stop with the heavy-duty mood swings?
i am not a fan.

if i could walk on water, if i could tell you what's next

2009-05-24T08:43:00.003-04:00

some days it amuses me how slow i can be.
yeah, i don't feel like explaning that.

in OTHER news:
i've had ticket to ride stuck in my head for the last 48 hours or so.
and not even lyrics, just the opening riff.
i love the beatles, but it's getting a wee bit obnoxious.

and i woke up at 8:30 this morning.
why have i lost all ability to sleep past 9?!
:(

we can never seem to find the time we lost, though we try at any cost.

2009-05-21T18:57:00.002-04:00

every song sounds like you
and the strangest things make me think of you
and i fall over every little thing that you do.
now what am i supposed to do?

if this is infatuation,
i love it.
and hate it.

how does anyone expect me to do french homework
or take a geometry test
or pay attention during gym class
when i'd much rather be thinking about you?

we are okay :)

2009-05-20T21:47:00.004-04:00

we are okay, we are all right
we sing very loud, yeah we're singin'
we are okay, we are all right
close our eyes, close our mouth
yeah, we shut our eyes though we're in doubt
joshua radin, we are okay

i'll drop hints, but not too many,
we can't have you catching on.
i can't help it if a smile, a wink
sends me soaring.

you're everything i want to be
and you're everything that i'm not.
whenever i find myself near you,
my heart flutters.

so why do you waste your time
chasing people who will never chase back?
when i'm right here,
and i'm not going anywhere.

but i've said too much already
i have to keep it all hush-hush.
don't tell anyone the secret,
or the fairy will be angry.

na na na na na na na

2009-05-17T19:06:00.002-04:00

hey jude, don't let me down.
you have found her, now go and get her.
remember to let her into your heart
then you can start to make it better.

in other news: i'm totally not going to tiger fest. yay :)

must clean.

2009-05-16T22:42:00.002-04:00

my life is messy.

must clean:
binders
room
bathroom
closet

if i don't do these soon, you may feel free to kill me.

hallelujah, i found you.

2009-05-15T21:53:00.002-04:00

i promised myself i would never post anything on here that wasn't strictly MINE, but i can't help myself. i have fallen head over heels in love with this song. it literally describes my life PERFECTLY. i wish i could learn it on guitar. :)

You're the girl in the back of the room
My wallflower that's in bloom
You're so oblivious to this
But I could fall into those eyes
Pretty circles that I try
To escape into, yeah

Well, Hallelujah, when you look at me
Hallelujah, you're the halo over me
You're all that I need

With you, every day is Saturday
With you, every word you say is like a song
With you, well, everything is obvious
Hallelujah, hallelujah, well I found you
I found you, I found you, Hallelujah

I never thought I'd take that jump
A nervous laugh around someone
I'm sleeping in the palm of your hand
The way you whisper on the phone
I hear your voice when I'm alone
You always understand just who I am

Hallelujah, your love is free
Hallelujah, you're the halo over me
And you're all I need

With you, every day is Saturday
With you, every word you say is like a song
With you, well, everything is obvious
Hallelujah, hallelujah, I found you
I found you, I found you, Hallelujah

The best things are unexpected just like this
Like a billboard in the sky you just can't miss
And I'm never letting this love go

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
With you, every day is Saturday
With you, yeah, every word you say is like a song
With you, yeah, everything is obvious
Hallelujah, hallelujah, 'cause I found you
Yeah, I found you, yeah I found you
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, hallelujah.

my wallflower that's in bloom

2009-05-14T21:46:00.002-04:00

we took a trip on that rickety yellow bus
the one that almost broke down on the way home
but we ride it anyway because we can't afford a better one.

we drove past the field
with the tiny house with the banner
that sells those sweet strawberries every year.

the field with the tall grasses
they sway in the wind, and i bet
that they'd come up to your waist, at least.

and in the heat of the summer sun
i saw the violet flowers in the tall grass
and instantly thought of you, which made me smile.

and i could see us, in my mind's eye
running through the field, hand in hand
with no shoes on.

we'd laugh as we skip through those violet flowers
and we'd buy a lot of those sweet strawberries, too many
just so we could enjoy the fleeting joys of life and love.

so, here's to you, my should-be summertime sweetheart.

this is how i procrastinate!

2009-05-12T22:57:00.002-04:00

this is a post for me, not you.
but because i like you, i will give an explanation to each of these lyrics.
( ps: they're all MINE. no stealing. )

i want to be yours, i want you to be mine
you know you’ve had me from the start
you don’t even have to try
i want to be yours, i want to be your girl
and you can be my love
if you let me be yours
( this song = cute and fluffy and pretty freaking adorable. played on guitar, i even have chords! woot. )

because I miss you and wish you could always be with me
but you just can’t be, you’re out of reach, the only one I see
wish I could assure you let you know it’s okay
let these broken old roads lead me back to what I know
but you’re so far away
( this song = sad. :( i haven't figured out any chords yet, but i kinda want to play this on piano.)

you are something special and you kill me when you smile
so why don’t we get together at least for a little while?
( this line makes me smile every time i sing it in my head or out loud. it's so cute & catchy. guitar? i haven't played it in FOREVER.)

and i swear, i can’t do this
i can’t break and fall to pieces
then hear you say you didn’t mean it
( no chords for this one either. came up with it very spur of the moment. )

we were almost something, and it was almost great
i almost fell in love, almost gave you my heart to break
all those moments we almost spent, all those dreams i almost dreamt
it was almost beautiful – and then you met her.
( inspired by something a friend went through, and b/c she told me to write a song about it. i still really like the whole 'almost' theme. )

there’s gonna be good, there’s gonna be change
we may not hold hands and sing, but we will someday
so just have a little hope, and have a little faith
we may have gotten lost along the way
but now … there’s gonna be change
( written when obama became prez! woot! guitar, it even has chords. this is truely my flower child, hippie, let's all hold hands and sing song. it's sweet. )

i wonder if you even noticed, when my feelings began to show
you tripped and fell into my head, my heart, my arms
please never let go
( this is the tune i've had sitting in my brain for SO LONG. i wrote it forever ago about some guy, i couldn't even tell you his name now, who i liked at the time, who had a habit of falling a lot. no idea who. guitar & chords! )

crash
your car into mine
our hands intertwine
just tell me it’s alright
crash
your lips against mine
and i’m feeling fine
we don’t have my time
so just crash.
( i love these lyrics. so poetic. and it's so fun to play, because the whole time it sort of cascades down ... piano & chords. )

just a curbside prophet with my hand in my pocket and i'm waiting for my rocket to come.

2009-05-12T21:27:00.002-04:00

i don't even understand myself
so i lose myself in symbolism
everything's changing,
i feel like snow in the middle of june
i shouldn't be here, feel like this
but i do, and i can't help it
and it's not going to go anywhere
so much was left unsaid
i didn't know this was coming
but here it is, you left a mark on my heart
not a bad one, not a scar
just an impression, a footprint
so much is still left unsure
confused
and so much depends on that
stupid wheelbarrow
i don't want to read those same words
over and over.
it makes me sick.

stuck in tight pants, stuck at a high school dance.

2009-05-12T12:10:00.001-04:00

kings and queens
nightmares and dreams
running or walking
thinking of talking
love and heartbreak
stupid mistakes
happiness and strife
welcome to my life.

fond memories are the only kind i'd like to keep

2009-05-11T20:13:00.003-04:00

hilter must die!
we'll stab him with pens!
and his father, mother, brother, sister, aunt!
stab them all!
let them give us crazy looks!
why would we care?

the zombies!
let them attack the people!
who cares if we're in a pizza place?
use the pepper!
let them give us crazy looks!
why would we care?

mushrooms!
they're absolutely a fruit!
let them tell us we're wrong!
we'll just salute and skip off!
let them give us crazy looks!
why would we care?

it's completely possible
to walk to your house from mars!
and zooming in from a window
is nothing to be afraid of!
paris is a planet, a sphynx is a lizard
and tri-sexuals love trees!
let them give us crazy looks!
why would we care?

sexy can i?

2009-05-11T19:46:00.002-04:00

i have no rhyme
no reason
no need
to feel this way.
but what can i say?

i'm just a young
stupid
silly
little girl
who has no idea
what she's gotten herself into.

all i know
is you make me smile. :)

in the sunshine

2009-05-10T15:44:00.004-04:00

in the sunshine,
i am a fairy.
i am half of one whole.
a leader.
a dreamer.
a fearless warrior.

in the sunshine,
i am not afraid of bumblebees
or spiders
or pinecones
or mushrooms.

in the sunshine,
i run
i dance
i laugh
i sing
i flutter.

and in the sunshine,
i may make mistakes,
but i have no regrets.

today.

2009-05-08T21:40:00.000-04:00

today i learned to be a free spirit.
that it's okay to lie in the grass
and talk to the passing cars
and take pictures of trees
and sing random songs loudly
and spin around until you're dizzy.

today i learned not to judge books by their covers
or by the stories i hear between friends
because they can turn out to be nice
even if they do have a shoe fetish.

today i learned
that heart-wrenching is not the half of it
when you see someone you love
cry over something she can't control.

today i learned to smile, to laugh, and that it's okay to be a little crazy.

one new friend request

2009-05-07T12:00:00.000-04:00

is this the end or just the start of something
really, really beautiful
wrapped up in disguse as something really really ugly?

"are you ok?"
i wasn't, but it made me feel better.
a lot better.
i kind of missed having you there
being my "twin"
even though, i'd never admit it to your face.

swan flu?

2009-05-06T20:43:00.001-04:00

i feel like
i need to update again.

the last post was chilling
and i don't like it sitting there on my blog.

i refuse to think about it.
at least, not right now.

i have oinkbarf.
panic.

the size zero beauties

2009-05-04T15:04:00.001-04:00

i'm trying not to fall
but it's so hard
when i look in the mirror
and see nothing promising
when all i can focus on in pictures
is the atrocity staring back at me
when i wake up every morning
and just want to crawl back in bed
and never see the light of day again
i feel like i'm walking upwards
on a slippery slope
with the supermodels at the bottom
stretching their bony arms
asking me to starve myself
asking me to binge and purge
all in the name of beauty, of vanity
all the size zero beauties
they're calling my name
and i want to join them, i want to be beautiful
i want the boys to like me
and i want the girls to envy me
but i don't know how much more i can take
before i fall.
please, God, don't let me fall.

if you seek amy

2009-05-01T12:01:00.000-04:00

poem.

i
have
nothing
to
write
about.

don't worry if it stops.
it'll catch up eventually.
it has to.
that's the way it works.

please.

2009-04-29T22:26:00.000-04:00

can i
please
punch you
really
really
hard
in the face?

please?

venting is fun.

2009-04-29T20:39:00.000-04:00

that's so dumb.
that's so ugly.
that's so stupid.

that's so gay.
when did LOVE
become
dumb
ugly
stupid?

LOVE
is what holds everything together.
LOVE
is the reason that you exist.
LOVE
is all you need.
LOVE
is beautiful.

the only thing that's
dumb
ugly
stupid
is close-minded people.
like you.

real eyes realize real lies

2009-04-29T09:12:00.001-04:00

i recognized the handwriting.
you didn't need to lie about it
you're bad at lying anyway
why did you lie?
i wasn't going to turn you
into a pair of bunny slippers
or a stew.
everyone does things
that they're not proud of.
i know i have.
it's the things we do
both good and bad
that make us the kind of person we are.
no one was expecting you to be a saint.

happy fourteenth, love.

love hurts.

2009-04-28T19:24:00.000-04:00

fake smiles are the best kind.

"sometimes when i'm alone, i wonder
is there a spell that i am under
keeping me from seeing the real thing?

love hurts, but sometimes it's a good hurt."

fanfare

2009-04-27T21:24:00.001-04:00

it's time for a normal blog post!

well, as normal as you can expect from me.

i can't get jesse mccartney's new song out of my head.
don't ever go to albania.
sxephil is awesome.
and imma do what i want!

that is all.

THIS IS WRITTEN IN SECOND PERSON, SO SUCK IT

2009-04-27T18:02:00.000-04:00

you can feel it on your fingertips
taste it in the air
it's the beat in every song
it's the calm to every care

it ticks just like your heartbeat
or the rhythm of a clock
it's the distant pressing lull
or the dream that you forgot

it's the constant nagging ache
the one question on your mind
it's the secret hidden key
and its answer you can't find:

I CAN HAZ SUMMER?!

i'm going to get hit by the motorboats.

2009-04-27T12:03:00.000-04:00

59 theses?
that's not so hard.
i could give 59 theses why i hate this class.
and this project.
and my teacher.
except when he uses the word "freakin".
or tells me spartacus' name.
or stays perfectly still for five minutes
right when he needs to.

i wish the sky wasn't so blue.

a long for the outside

2009-04-27T11:51:00.000-04:00

the warm sunshine
taunts me.
the cord on the blinds
swings back at forth
laughing at me.
"you want to go outside.
but you can't.
you're stuck researching martin luther.
who did nothing more
than nail some paper to a door."
the sunlight glances off of
pollen-dusted windsheil--

if that librarian
doesn't leave me alone
i will snap her glasses in two.

hieronymous bosch

2009-04-27T11:46:00.000-04:00

the librarian is hovering
near me
i can see her in my
peripheral vision
i don't like it
go away, librarian.
she doesn't listen.

thirty-three (not twenty-one. i am a failure.)

2009-04-26T10:01:00.000-04:00

thirty-three
33
XXXIII

school days left.

that is so awesome. :)

i'm a terrible person

2009-04-25T22:50:00.001-04:00

because i like attention
and exaggerating
and i'm a bitch.

fuck you.

i spent the day with my parents, like any cool kid would do.
saw the new zac efron movie, fell head over heels for him.
it's the eyes, i swear.

and i've had sugarland stuck in my head for the last 10 hours.
so that's nice.
and it's really cold in my room right now. :(

another post?

2009-04-24T18:45:00.000-04:00

i hope that you and i
can become parallel lines
so that we never meet again.

oh, math terms. you make my world go round.

TGIF

2009-04-24T17:50:00.000-04:00

this has been the longest week ever.
and it's So. Fucking. Hot. Out.

in fact, i had an interesting conversation with a random kid today.

Me: Oh my gosh, it's like 1,000 degrees outside!
Random Kid: Well, that's an overstatement.

i wanted so desperately to be like "naw, really?! i thought it WAS 1,000 degrees out!" no shit sherlock, of COURSE it's an overstatement.

urinetown is tonight. i'm excited because it's supposed to be really frigging good. my friend is in it, he has one line. pretty amazing. even though someone ruined the ending for me, i don't really care.

i'm gonna go complain about the heat some more.

to post again a mere five minutes later

2009-04-23T20:57:00.000-04:00

i was going to buy "stuff"
it was going to cost fifteen dollars
i had the money ready, sitting on my dresser
but then i saw a sign.
believe what you want, but it was a freaking sign.
and the money was under my bible.
i should've known.

so i called off the order.
i'm not going to get high any time soon.
and the money that i was going to use
i will now use to buy cookies after school.

sorry, i'm still a good girl.

2009-04-23T20:52:00.000-04:00

i
hate
feeling
low.

like
please
somebody
scrape
me
off
the
ground
low.

like
old
yeller
at
the
end
of
the
movie.

someone
get
the
shotgun
and
put
me
out
of
my
misery.

revival strategy:
i need 200 CCs of big bang theory and a pint of ice cream, STAT.